'Me' and my exhausting ADD brain
At a certain point, it just doesn't work anymore, it seems like my head is full. New information, words, phrases, they seem to bounce off my cerebral cortex, sometimes I seem to be able to physically feel it. My brain no longer processes anything, there seems to be a kind of void. A screaming all-consuming the silence. No this is not inner peace, rather an inner meltdown. Escape seems to be the only way for me.
Recognisable? The overstimulation of my brain is the one thing I have the least control over. Sometimes I can think like a jet fighter, what say I, can think at intergalactic speed where 'The Enterprise' falls into insignificance. At other times, a bovine, embarking on its fifth ruminating session of the day, can process information even faster than my brain. That thing in my cranium, my brain, never seems to reach a steady state.
No idea how this works for others, but I am a thinker. An analyst without a thesis, a philosopher without a clear problem, a scientist without a field of study. I think about and about everything, sometimes simultaneously, other times incessantly. Nothing is isolated and everything is connected. Extremely fascinating, complex, challenging and often deadly exhausting, if I do say so myself. Tiring because sometimes it doesn't seem to stop and because it is also very much about myself. My 'I' is an all-too-common topic in my thinking sessions. The doubt and uncertainty is deep within me, resulting in dejected and depressed moods. Perhaps this is just in me, but more likely it is also because things have gone completely wrong just a little too often. Failure gets into your bones after a while and it is hard to walk out.
But all that crazy thinking also brings me a lot of good. It feeds my creativity, my capacity for the finding solutions and answers. I don't impose limits on myself. I fantasise and dream of lives and worlds I would like to see or create. I also always see humour everywhere. I can switch between serious ideas and idle chatter within a beat. You can always have a conversation with me, I talk about everything, after all, I have thought about everything. I am only now beginning to appreciate these valuable qualities.
Yes I am overweight, have screwed up my education, have given up on getting a driver's licence, have addictions that seem incurable and roam from room to room because I cannot afford a flat. And no, I am far from accepting all that. It's hard and sucks because I take that damn backpack everywhere I go. But I've found my way, a profession that I have fun in, that I'm good at, where I can get into my hyper-focus in the blink of an eye. I am patient, precise, even perfectionist in it. It makes me happy, it gives me hope and a future. The social way is not for everyone (way). However, there is always a way, I continue to believe, always, forever and ever!